​Suicide is the ultimate symptom of mental illness. It is called “a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” However, what exactly is this “temporary problem”? I once attended an upstart church here at my hometown in Northwest Georgia where I heard a pastor preach on suicide. He was fiery in his polemic as he exclaimed his words with passion, asking, “Would you want to leave your family and friends in grief because you were a coward?!” His words thundered throughout the auditorium and into the ears of the congregation.
 Cowardice? Is it cowardice that leads a man to end his life? According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, 44,193 people commit suicide each year in the United States alone. Suicide is not a result of cowardice, but rather an epidemic of hopelessness. The coward doesn’t hang a noose; the coward doesn’t swallow a whole bottle of pills; the coward doesn’t put a gun to his head and pull the trigger. No, the coward does not do these things, but the hopeless man does. The hopeless man is one who sees no way out; he sees no answer for his despair; he sees through gray lenses. The hopeless man seeks rest, and, pushed daily by the weight of his darkness, finally decides that he has had enough. The loss of hope is a heavy vest around his torso, and he walks slowly. It is a voice that desires an end to his pain, and, pushed to the precipice, he wants to go to sleep. Hopelessness is the culprit of suicide. It is not cowardice nor selfishness; no, it is despair. That brings me to my reasoning for writing this article: to ask a question. What, exactly, does it mean to be “hopeless?” Furthermore, what is hope? Unquestionably, to be hope-less implies that one does not have hope. What then is hope? To hope one must hold to the faith that the future is favorable. One does not project hope onto an unfavorable probability, that is as long the unfavorable probability is somewhat favorable to them. One hopes he/she will receive a promotion; one hopes he/she gets accepted by his/her desired university; a child hopes Santa Claus will bring his/her choice of a video game. Hope is only existent in foresight, and hope correlates with faith. Hope is an expectation or desire for a favorable outcome. Hope is always for something favorable. Even when one hopes something bad will happen to someone else, one could say that unfavorable outcome to said person would bring a favorable effect to the one who hoped it would happen. They receive the favorable outcome in that their hope was realized. Humanity hopes; and hope itself is the aspiration to the favorable imminent. You cannot hope for something you do not wish to take place. To do so would no longer be hope, but rather it would be dread. So, therefore, what does it mean to be hopeless? The hopeless man cannot see favorability in his foresight. To be hopeless is to be unable to see a favorable imminent. The hopeless man has no projection of positivity in his foresight. It is this that leads a man to suicide. Why would a man with hope end his life and thus forfeit the probability of his positive prospects being realized? Suicide is a result of a jaded perception. Inside of his head, he is subject to his darkness: his failures, mistakes, shortcomings. The way he sees it is that nothing will get better. Instead, he perceives a future of grim and inescapable pain. Without hope, he writhes in agony. He thinks himself a laughingstock, unable to see the full picture; he is blind to the good of the world. The hopeless man becomes cynical. Cynicism may lead to depression, depression may lead to utter hopelessness, and when all hope is gone, suicide is an ultimate outcome.
So what does the hopeless man see through his eldritch eyes? Even the afterlife becomes a gamble he will take. He does not know what his creator will say to him(if there is a creator, that is). He does not know if Hell awaits him or not, but he has a twisted faith that there is a possibility God will give him sympathy. If by chance death is annihilation, he holds to the idea of rest but weeps at the thought that his life was in vain. In the excruciating pain he experiences, the hopeless man will chance God himself to find any solace. He will leave his family and friends. The thought of his funeral hangs above his bed. Will his friends come? He laments their tears. He knows it is not the way, yet he is a cornered animal in that his pain will not cease. His mind is warped, and the tears of his loved ones justify his pain. He is not afraid of his pain, only desperate to escape it. With his last bit of strength, he musters up one hope. The hopeless man has one hope; he sees one favorable imminent. He sees death, and death calls to him. Death offers to take his burden, but at the sake of taking his life. He sees no hope other than the hope of his end. Given that he only sees the answer in his ultimate end, the takes the Reaper’s hand, and his body goes cold.

​Sheer emotion
fills his veins
with black.

Logic
spits flames
as a voice in his head.
He sits at the edge
and looks down below.

"Get up, young man!
You don't want to go,
to spiral to the bottom.

For at the end of this emotion
lies only death,
but I'm going to tell you
you can make it not so.

You don't have sit,
at the edge of that ledge
like your perception tells you so.
Perhaps outside
the box you're in
the sun shines upon the snow?

Sure,
life is bleak,
and many come and
go, but outside of
that box you're in
the sun shines upon the snow.

Have you ever seen it?
Outside the box,
where the sun shines upon the snow?

I know you feel your pulse
go by in every moment now,
and you look off the ledge
to see the darkness
down below.

Perception is a tricky thing
when it seems so doom and gloom,
but perhaps you only see that way
because you are so low.

Perception is a box, you see,
from your eyes unto your brain
emotions are a byproduct
of the thoughts your head has made.
Perception is little box
that grows smaller
when we are low,
but until we look
outside of it
we will never see if
the sun shines upon the snow.

So how can you say
it is the end,
and can you truly know,
if you've never looked
outside that box
to see that sun shines upon the snow?

My point here is
you are quick to draw
but not so quick to know
that all you feel
is in this box
where you sit with
your fear and woe.

But if you hear
not one more word
to heed before I go


I would ask that you
remove that box
to the sight of
the sunshine upon the snow."

 When I was 16 years old, I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 Disorder. Bipolar 1 Disorder is a severe mental illness where those afflicted suffer from mood swings that range from manic highs to depressive lows. There are a few variations of the disease, such as Bipolar 1 and Bipolar 2, and I believe a few others. Bipolar 1 Disorder is categorized by the presence of psychotic features. Basically, the person afflicted by disease has mood swings so drastic that it can impair how they perceive reality. There have been times in my life in which I believed that I was a prophet or Chosen One sent from God or something bogus like that. The disease is caused because the chemicals in the brain are not balanced properly. Also, scientists have discovered a number of genetic mutations that appear consistently in the brains of bipolar people that are not found in the brains of those without the disease. Most of the time, simply getting from bedtime to bedtime is challenging. That said, I will probably also be medicated consistently for the entire duration of my life. All of this I have found empirically true. Since dealing with a disease that affects my perception of reality is often extremely difficult and requires much determination and strength on a daily basis, I have found that one thing has proven to be my voice of reason among the maelstrom that is Bipolar 1 Disorder. Writing helps me on a daily basis. Often, my perception causes me a great deal of pain. One day, I feel anxious that I have annoyed a friend, or perhaps I feel one day that I am worthless or that no one loves me. Maybe I feel that I am a joke, and that no one respects me, or that I will never escape my pain. Some days, if I am on the high, more manic side, I will feel paranoid, like people are watching me. In these times, when my perception is warped, I feel as if I am in a box. I try to reason with myself, but it seems that sense is far from me. That is often when I write. Sometimes, we don’t know what to say to justify the magnitude of what we feel. We stay silent. But, after a while, our hearts know what to say. Even if our minds don’t. If I am able, I write in one of my many small journals. If I am not able to do that, I write in a college ruled notebook. If that is not available, I always make sure to have my phone with me. The Evernote app is one of my favorites. I can open it at any time I have my phone, and I can write on the go. When I am trapped in the box, and my brain is in wild shambles, I open myself to the first thing that comes out of my mouth. I ask myself: “What is it you want to say?” Last night, the poem above is what I had to say. In the midst of the unrelenting Hell that Bipolar 1 Disorder, I write messages to myself.
I wanted to share the poem because I thought there was a message that could be taken from it. Depression and Bipolar Disorders are some of the many mental illnesses categorized under what we call “Psychosis.” Psychosis is defined by the medical community as a state in which one loses touch with reality. We, humans, all perceive reality through our senses. For instance, our eyes see the blue sky and send messages to the brain. The brain then processes the information and determines that the sky is indeed blue. The brain, realizing just what a bright blue the sky is on that day, reacts in a way that makes the heart flutter and increases blood flow. Those reactions are what we call emotions. We live the entirety of our lives as slaves to that chain of reactions. That is what we call “perception.” I have dealt with my illness for almost eight years now. Along the way, I have learned about my disease and how it affects me. I had to learn psychological techniques and theories, and I also have picked up a few pointers of my own as well. Statistics say that about 5.7 million Americans are diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and about 15 million with some variation of Depression. In the poem, a young man sits at the edge of a ledge with a box on his head. From the way he sees it, he can only peer below him to see that the chasm is very deep and dark. There is, however, a voice on the outside of the box. This voice sits beside the young man, asking to take the box off of his head. You see, the young man can only see within the box and the chasm below. He cannot see outside of the box. If he could, he would realize that what he perceives in the box does not agree with what lies around him. Because of the box on his head, he cannot see that around him, the sun is shining on the snow. It is the tail end of the month of August here in northwest Georgia, which happens to be what many of us call our hottest month. With temperatures into the high nineties, I would love to have the right weather for snow. This young man, because of the box on his head, cannot perceive that all around him there is some kind of beauty. Everyone has or will see tragedy in their lives. Yes, life can be bleak. That is true. There will always be bad things happening; there will always be bad people doing bad things, and everyone, at some point, will go to sit on that ledge and put that box on their head. In the box lies pain. In pain lies agony. In agony, there is always the chance we will look down to see how deep the chasm is. At the bottom of the chasm lies death, and the box is there to make sure we see no other way. Perception works in that way. If our brains interpret the world in darkness, we will never be able to see the snow outside. The trick comes by understanding that what we perceive is not definite. It comes with the understanding that everything we feel stems from how you think. If you think you are worthless, then you will feel worthless. We must understand that the box of our perception is based upon what we think about ourselves and the world around us. The daily defeat of Depression and Bipolar Disorder comes by realizing that our perception is not always true. Life is only as dark as we allow ourselves to perceive. As we allow ourselves to believe, that is. If we never take the box off of our heads, we will never know if the sun shines upon the snow. And until we lift the box off of our heads, we can never truly say we know it doesn’t. If you are prescribed medication, I encourage you to take it and take with integrity. There is no shame in taking it. You are not broken nor of any less value for doing so. Basically, your brain has a problem. That’s it. There is no morality involved with a mental illness. It is far too pragmatic for that. There are physical elements at work inside of your head that results in the symptoms you feel. I take medication; I have taken it since I was sixteen. I will be twenty-four in March. Medication will not take the disease away, but it will make it tolerable. Some of us see therapists very frequently. A therapist is good, but their job is not to make it go away. A therapist teaches techniques. What I just wrote about is a technique I have picked up along the way. In summary, I call it “Thinking outside of the box.” When we realize that what we feel is caused by out impairment of reality, or that what we feel is a symptom of our illness, it is an opening for this technique. In this instance, breathe. In through the nose. Hold. 1... 2... 3... Now out through the mouth. Let’s walk around a bit. Let’s get you out of that box. I encourage you, next time the darkness is all you see, and you look down at chasm below; take a moment to hear that voice, and see the sunshine upon the snow.

Pearl-
a gem in a valley,
as Churchill once described it.
A description on point,
as I would testify-
despite my sweat.

I was a sight.
Mzungu: white
guy who "runs in circles"
riding over chaotic potholes
in a landscape with
no welfare
to the vendors on the streets,
while Bastille beat drums in my ears,
a tether to the privilege of home.

On arrival,
I heard a mosque-
on speakerphone,
bellowing five pillars
out into the streets
across from the school,
where I spoke to the child.

Mzungu-
a louder curiosity
than the call to prayer.

Mission work-
I told him
a mute salvation
as he rubbed my wrist
to test the myth, and
see my "blue blood."

This-
is what history has given him:
imperial inferiority,
contrived. Smoke and
mirrors.

This young boy
in the slums, to him
I am simply "Mzungu,"
a reminder of the pervasive regimes
his family talks about.
I am the one with blue in his veins...

I still wonder,
to this day,
what he would have done
if I had sliced my hand
to show him-

​that oxidation makes us all red.

In 2011, I had freshly graduated from high school, and with a 2.2 GPA under my belt, I had no desire to go to college. I apathetically watched a vast majority of my friends as they all packed their bags to go to blah-blah University. Meanwhile, I stayed home and wrestled with my desire to see the world. I wanted to see change, but most of all, I wanted to be a missionary. I chose Uganda pragmatically, and upon arrival to the Pearl of Africa, I was overcome by the lush environment, the dry heat, the busy streets of Kampala, but most of all by the resilience of the Ugandan people. 
I wrote the above poem in 2015, in recollection of an experience I had. One day, we were evangelizing in a slum on the outskirts of Kampala. The slum was near a school that had just dismissed its students, and as the school boys and girls seeped through the rusty gate of the schoolhouse, I found myself surrounded. "Hello, Mzungu" was a standard greeting I received. Although they say it with a smile, there is a darkness to it. The darkness is not in the intention of the one saying it but is intrinsic to the word itself. The word "Mzungu" can be translated to "wanderer without purpose" or "one who runs in circles" and implies constant, but useless movement. I did not learn that until I had revisited the country in 2013 and though the word is said with a smile, my college history class illuminated the subconscious frustration behind it. Continuing my story, the teen students surrounded me and stared at me in pure curiosity. I did what I had come to do. I spoke, and the kids dispersed. Happily, I took my translator(Vincent was his name) and walked ahead of my group.
In politics, religion, and ethics we like to preach our ideologies to portray that we have "an open heart." At age 18, my heart was closed. My heart was closed because my ears were closed. A little boy started following me, pointing and shouting, causing a ruckus about the Mzungu— aka me. Yelling at me "Mzungu, Mzungu" with a smile plastered on his face, his bright eyes filled with wonder. I looked this boy in the face and playfully pointed back, yelling:
 "No! YOU'RE Mzungu!"
This was my time to listen. The boy giggled and said something in his native language.  I turned to Vincent for a translation:
"The boy says that we are not the same because your skin is white and my skin is black."
"Ask him if he bleeds when he gets cut," I questioned to the boy through Vincent. 
"Yes," the boy replied quizzically.

Sure of myself, I asked the boy what color his blood was. He replied,
"Red."
"Me too. So we are the same."
This tiny boy could not have been older than eight years old. The boy pointed at my hand and said: 
"No! Because your blood is blue."
If there were ever a time in my life where I have felt an ineffable voicelessness, it was there as I stared at my blue veins. I am twenty-three now. If there is anything I regret out of my small handful of experiences, it is that I didn't bite the hell out of my finger. I would have held it low enough for him to see that we were not so far from each other just because my skin is pale and his is dark. Two years later, I attended a European History class at a community college. There, I learned about the horrors of European Imperialism in Africa. It was then, two years later, that I opened my heart to the lesson that boy taught me. How would it have blown his mind if he saw me bleed red? Would it have undone the hundreds of years of walls people have built? Would he have even believed if he saw? I wonder.
I plan to visit again, perhaps next time as a better listener and less of a talker...